Caddish? Me? Of course not.
1987 Jaguar XJ12 Review:
When I first met Julia's family, her father, Mikko, and I instantly bonded over our love for classic British cars. He proudly introduced me to his XJ12 more than three years ago which, at the time, was confined to a garage due to fueling issues. However, he promised me I would be allowed to drive her when he got her back on the road.
I recently visited Finland to help move my girlfriend out of her family home. To my surprise, her Dad had got the XJ12 running, and he handed me the keys for two precious days as payment for my efforts. Here's my experience with one of Jaguar's finest big cats.
We started by collecting the XJ12 from a workshop in the middle of the Finnish wilderness. It had spent a few days having its fuel system rebuilt and sitting the Finnish equivalent of an M.O.T. Once the handover was complete, Mikko jumped behind the wheel and headed to the nearest petrol station to brim both tanks so we could make the 150-mile journey back home to Espoo.
Refuelling wasn't particularly cheap. The XJ12 runs terribly on anything but 98 octane fuel and both tanks were almost empty. The bill stood at €125 for 15 gallons, which works out at about £110. This is a regular expense too, as fuel economy can be as low as 9 mpg depending on how heavy your right foot is. So, Mikko told me to behave myself as he handed me the keys.
Despite the naff fuel economy, the engine is a peach. Jaguar's 5.3 litre V12 should have been the only powerplant on offer for the XJ. It's silky smooth, soothing the pains of any long road trip the same way as tea and honey soothes a sore throat. When new, it produced 285 bhp and 294 ft/lbs of torque, which was enough for a 0-60 mph sprint of around 8 seconds and a 140 mph top speed.
At 31 years old the engine's likely to have lost a few ponies, but the old girl can still pick up her skirt and run. I've never experienced such composed power delivery; the XJ12 doesn't accelerate, it advances. Moving from a 70 mph cruise to a 90 mph overtake is effortless. A tickle of the throttle produces a wave of low-down torque, which happily mashes against the auto box's top gear and politely shoves you past your overtaking victim with nothing more than a whistle from engine and a curtsey from the rear suspension. Pure class.
However, all this excellence is spoiled by the transmission. This is a 1987 XJ12, which means its fitted with a GM 3-speed automatic gearbox. And god, is it woeful. If the engine is allowed to do all the work, the gearbox works fine. But, ask it to change from third to second under any form of acceleration, and the entire car jolts like it's been rear-ended by a lorry. Shifting from "park" to "drive" produces the same effect, and ruins an otherwise carefree driving experience.
The suspension is, as you should expect, boaty. But the XJ12 is supposed to be a boat. It isn't built to smash road imperfections back into conformity; it's built to glide over them and cocoon it's occupants in sumptuous comfort, which this example does sublimely.
Despite being set up for comfort however, the XJ12 holds the road very well. It was more than happy to belt along Finland's backwaters at 70 mph, tackling its adversely-cambered corners with surprising ease. The steering was also sure and responsive, despite its heavy assistance, giving a reasonable indication of the front wheel's direction.
Take liberties with the XJ12 however, and it will bite you. I found this out the hard way on my drive from Helsinki to my girlfriend's family home in the suburb of Espoo. The junction leading to the main carriageway between the two districts is a tight right-hander and, when halfway through the corner, I laid on the throttle a little too heavily.
Now, the XJ12 came from the factory with an LSD, so my rather liberal throttle application instantly made the big cat want to chase its tail. This problem was amplified by the weather. The tarmac was wet and the air was cold, which meant I had no grip, and I joined the motorway looking like a regal reincarnation of Ken Block. Thankfully, I gathered it all up with an armful of opposite lock.
With blind panic still coursing through my system, I turned my attention to the interior. The XJ12 is such a nice place to be. Over the two days I covered around 400 miles, and not once did I feel fatigued or uncomfortable. The driving position excellent, the steering wheel's location is perfectly judged and every control is exactly where it should be.
For example, the centre console is dominated by a large armrest, under which sits the controls for the electric windows and sunroof. So, from a reclined driving position with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the armrest there's no need to move should you need some fresh air. It's fantastically thought out, and forces you to adopt a relaxed driving style.
The XJ12 is so good because it takes as many trivial duties away from the driver as possible, without interfering with sensation of its driving experience. The steering- and pedal-feel hasn't been completely numbed, despite their heavy assistance. The engine is charismatic and powerful without being intrusive. The chassis is capable and pliant without being uncomfortable. It's the perfect blend of luxury and driving pleasure, and I find myself wanting one more and more each day.
It probably won't happen though. I couldn't afford the fuel anyway.
Luke Wilkinson 2018 ©